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Mmmm...Come here foot soldier...

Posted on 2006.05.09 at 07:20
Current Location: Cafeteria
Current Mood: aggravatedwhatever it is, it's bad.
Current Music: Bright Eyes - Bowl of Oranges
I just want to take a moment to describe how totally, thoroughly disgusted I am with myself over my grades this semester. I really have no explaination why, with the exception of engineering design, they all just sucked monumentally.

How Hard?

Core.

Anyway, so I have no idea why I did this to myself this semester. I know however, that this is just the most recent incarnation of the classic problem for me, namely, that I can work diligently and relentlessly and *well* on any task *I* beset to myself, but the moment something comes from outside me, it might as well not exist. I hear about the paper to be due, but I become so absorbed in whatever I've challenged myself to do that even the simplest obligations fall away. The knowledge about the impending assignment never makes contact with my actions. And it has gotten so bad that this whole semester was basically like me spinning around in circles shooting myself in the foot repeatedly. I'm sick of it, but I don't know how to snap out of it. The obvious answer would be to cut myself off from my work, but at this point if I did that I'd just get *nothing* done, and what good would that be? Besides, my work is a demon that compells me to serve it no matter what, I might as well try and kill myself by holding my breath; it wouldn't work and it would just be me straining myself over a nonsensical solution that wouldn't even work. But Professer wells was right, my work may change the face of modern science, but without the credentials, who will listen to me? I will fall into obscurity and it will be lost. I have a responsibility to my own good as well as that of posterity to find a way to not just get better grades, but to get great ones.

Next semester I am going to get straight A's.

For the first time since high school I promise to myself here and now that however I manage, whatever I do, I will get straight A's and I will NOT fall behind.




Having a mate to lean on for support would be nice, but that's a beautiful dream so long lost I might as well just slap myself for even allowing it into my head.


I can remember when I was strong.

What has happened to me?

Who is this person?

Anyway, enough of this, I must study some more.

Ciao Babes.

P.S: Also, that little bastard teased me all night and never gave me any. Then he got "insulted" when I went elsewhere to get sexual gratification after he told me he wasn't going to give me any. What the fuck kind of a line is that?! I hate boys. I hate boys that make me feel guilty for just being a human being with needs. And then I even stuck around to redeem myself. Why the fuck did I do something so assinine as that?


And now, I beam some sunshine to ya'



Comments:


Ms. Mary Magoo
maryanjelluvsu at 2006-05-09 14:57 (UTC) (Link)
Boiz tend to be like that. Im sorry you dont feel gratitude for your grades, I know you worked really really hard, and you probably diserve so much better than what you got. HELL IF YOU CANT GET GOOD GRADES, there is no hope for the rest of us who are idiots, cause you are one of the most intelligant people I know.

haha <3 the cute boi!!!
mpn
mpnolan at 2006-05-09 18:02 (UTC) (Link)
I'm sure you know quite well that creativity isn't well-rewarded by "the system", but fortunately I think that that creativity can be used against that very system. Understanding something is the first step to controlling it, and you can see the clockworks.

I'm kind of curious, what do you think has prevented you from succeding by "their" standards? Primarily your focus on your own things, or something to do with having visual thought, or some frustration with the techniques, ...?

I don't have much in the way of specific strategies, not inhabiting your mind. But you do seem to have free time for IM, LiveJournal, forums, etc., and maybe you could set up some kind of micro-study system. Use the five-minute intervals somehow. I don't think traditional "open a book and study" methods would work.
Jared Bowers
boykooties at 2006-05-09 20:16 (UTC) (Link)
I can see that a lot of things contributed to it, like shoving all my classes into two days, or not having my full liscense, but I can sense a deeper problem. You have to understand that for me to succeed at something requires me to put everything into it, reguardless of how easy or difficult it might be, and it gets taxing to keep trying to switch and jump around between chemistry, ecomomics, my own work, english, etc. My mind is one designed to focus not on problems that take days or weeks to crack, but months and years, and especially when I am under stress, my own projects and interests will simply crowd everything else out. It's almost like the opposite problem of an "Attention-Deficit" problem; I have so much attention that the effort it takes to control it burns me out in no time even for the simplest subject matter if I don't find it interesting.


"The system" you've mentioned in my experience makes learning a bloated, sprawling experience. Honestley, I think a version of "the system" designed for me would be one where only one brief, intensive course is taken at a time. The entire course is brief, perhaps only a matter of weeks, but is highly information-dense, and highly organized. Basically, I'd like to be able to spend a few weeks on really hard on chemistry to the exclusion of all else and then be able to move on to economics, and then to math, and then english, etc. This sort of a system would be a much more effective teaching tool to me, because I would be able to devote all of my internal resources to one place at a time, which is the way I feel like I naturally operate, and in retrospect, it is actually how I provided much of the "self-education" to myself that has ended up giving me the expertise I have today. If I need to learn about, say, the laws of rotational motion for a project, I'll spend a few days or weeks studying them to the exclusion of all else and then backtrack and incorperate them into the bigger picture. It's a tremendously effective mode of teaching myself, but unfortunatley it cannot be appllied to school classes that last say, six months with multiple classes operating in parallel.

But this is not a perfect world, so I guess I'll just have to deal.

:-/
crazy_julio at 2006-05-09 21:35 (UTC) (Link)
you should write a book.

The troubles of getting some in cyberspace.

Judging by what you've talked about, you probably have a volume's worth of material.
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