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Once there was a giving tree who loved a little boy.

Posted on 2006.05.28 at 07:27
Current Location: Brinn's Basement
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Rilo Kiley - Portions For Foxes
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Would you like to know what I am sick of?

Like really so sick of I could just scream at the top of my lungs and pound on the pavement over?

Secrets.

I keep them and I have kept them my whole fucking life.

I thought I'd learned my lesson, and I thought the lesson was "honesty is the best policy".

And let me tell you; nothing sounds better to me right now than just spilling everything.

But, I won't.

Why? You ask?

Because I'm scared. Yes, Jared gets scared sometimes, believe it or not. He even gets scared shitless.

Right now, Jared is scared of something, and that fear is making him, once again, keep secrets from people he cares for very, very much.

I tear myself up over it all the time. What would be more selfish of me? Would it be selfish of me to spill, or to refrain? What are the rules, anyway?

The rules are broad and sweeping, kiddies, but I still know that the solution space feels terriably narrow.

Or maybe it's just me again.

Me being silly.

Perhaps I am just doing the right thing, and being wise about what I share and with whom.

I get so angry at myself because I am the only person my heart will allow me to be mad at over this stuff.

I tell myself to learn from my mistakes and live more boldly, and yet here I find myself again, hiding my feelings from people I care so much about. The simple answer is to just snap the fuck out of it but there are no simple answers here, boys and girls. At least none that have presented themselves to me.

I am racking my brain so hard right now for something that won't make me look back and say, "boy, that was pretty stupid of you, Jared..."

Am I being dishonest? Or merely tactful?

This is the question currently standing trial at the jury of my heart and mind.

I'm tired. I want to sleep.

But I have to work at ten o' clock.

I have something to say to pretty much every single person who reads this journal, though:

"I love you all. Perhaps it's platonic, perhaps it's romantic, perhaps it's a mix, perhaps it's been a mix over the course of me knowing you. But whatever the case, at the end of the day, the road is long, and I want to thank you all for having done even the smallest part to make it just a little easier for me. I am indebted to you all so much and it is certainly my hope that I have at lest in some small measure helped you in a similar way."

Okay, I guess I am ready to face the day now.

I kind of have a lot on my mind.

Thanks for listening.



This picture is pretty yummy.

Comments:


mpn
mpnolan at 2006-05-28 17:35 (UTC) (Link)
Brinn's Basement? I don't think I was refreshed enough to go to a LAN last night. It's funny how they always seem to fall on the nights I come home.
Jared Bowers
boykooties at 2006-05-30 08:06 (UTC) (Link)
Man, I was so dead at work the next day it wasn't even funny.
Ms. Mary Magoo
maryanjelluvsu at 2006-05-28 18:48 (UTC) (Link)
I dont know what to say about your perdicurment. Some things are better left unsaid, but then again, how do you know what is going to happen if it isnt tried? Jared, be brave, be smart. Think things through, Yet dont take too long. I dont know how many times Ive missed out on someone/something cause I waited too long.
Just remember, whatever choices you make, there is always tomorrow, there is always more, its life. It has heartache, it has happy moments.
And if you never try, you'll never learn.
I love you Jared, and I know, as a friend and an observer of your life, I know you will make the right choices.
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